Emotion
by Silent Melancholia
Summary: Yue reflects on his emotions of the past, as well as those of the present. [Yue/Clow Reed] [Yue/Touya]


I have no use for emotions.

They are stupid, pointless things. A burden, even. Nothing but meddlesome thoughts and feelings that can get in the way of reasoning and common sense, leaving only pain. I've seen them change a person completely, their gained foolishness inevitably leading to their demise. I view emotions as the true evil of this world, for it is through them that hate and anger is formed, threatening to cause the downfall of the human race. Of every race. 

Emotions are the bane of my existence.

Alas, it had not always been this way. There was once someone I loved. Loved with all that I was capable of. He was a great and wise man, the most powerful magician in the world. My master. My creator. My lover. He was my universe; my soul purpose. 

_Clow Reed._

And it was to him that I, myself, first fell victim to the emotions that I despise so much.

I had been naïve then, full of restless youth and guarded optimism. I can still remember how he would smile at me, his lips curving slowly in a way that affirmed it was solely for my eyes, leaving me unable to think of anything but him. It was pathetic, really, how I behaved almost as fatuous as those that I now watch with scornful resentment, but I suppose it could not have been helped at the time. Clow Reed had taught me everything. Up until that point I had known nothing but him, his words, or his magic. I was unable to see the truth behind his promises until the moment they were broken. Until I was left shattered by what I had felt for him.

With only a faint trace of warning he had decided our lives for us, his own coming to a short-lived end. At the simple wave of his hand, one that I had memorized every crease of, Cerberus and I were stored in false forms. It was there in which we would rest until it was time for us to be awoken again. 

Awoken by our new master.

Before he had betrayed me, betrayed us, he had spoken briefly of the future. He told us that, after time passed, someone would arise to take care of us in his place, acting as if our awareness of this fact would somehow alleviate the pain. I was furious. No one could ever replace him. Did he not love me anymore? Had he ever? How could he just expect me to go on living without him, when it was he in all his glory that my existence depended on?

My questions remained unanswered.

Silence filled my following years; a cold, lonely silence that I eventually grew accustomed to. The emotions that had once flowed through me served nothing but to painfully strip away my heart, leaving me wounded and bitter, festering all the while as I slept. And slept I did, resting dormant in a strange and watchful kind of slumber, somehow also fully conscious of my surroundings. Finally, materializing for the first time in over a decade, I was awoken with the purpose to hold the final judgement on the new captor of the Cards. On the person that was supposed to be my new master.

And when I faced Sakura that day, seeing a face that did not belong to Clow Reed, I felt nothing but emptiness. A hollow void in which my love had used to beat.

I fought against her with ire, completely fixated on winning. She was inexperienced, uncertain; what seemed like an easy kill. However, she pulled her strength together in the end, defeating me unexpectedly. It was my duty to declare her worthy, but even as the words had left my mouth, my head screamed in protest. Sakura was merely a young girl, oblivious to her own capabilities and without a strong ability of perception; the exact opposite of everything that Clow Reed had been. Unable to imagine a worse replacement, I gave no hesitation before releasing my hostility in her direction. Yet, somehow, in spite of my intended hatred, I grudgingly grew to accept her instead. Soon the acceptance grew to respect, and the respect, in turn, grew to fondness, but I still could not ignore one fact. Sakura was not and would never be Clow Reed.

No, I still could not forget the one who had created and pieced me together, then turned and carelessly pulled the string that caused my unraveling. Since the day he had left me, I had been determined to never feel or show emotion again. I was careful to keep it all inside of me, to conceal even the slightest indication of kindness. And most of all, I made a vow that I would never love again. That I would never give my self away to such heartbreak and foolishness.

I would have kept that vow if it hadn't been for _him_. 

Touya Kinomoto was Sakura's older brother. Tall, dark, and attractive, he held a hidden kindness behind his brooding eyes. He was strong, in both the physical and mental sense, and used this strength to appear unapproachable by those who did not know him. I could see beneath this act, however. In reality Touya was a warm and loving man, protective of all he held dear, especially Sakura. I was instantly drawn to the powerful aura surrounding him, unable to stop my own captivation.

Turns out that it was this exact aura that saved my life. 

Ever since he had been a child, Touya had possessed a special ability to see spirits, in which he used to communicate with his dead mother. When I was brought back to the world of the conscious, I soon realized that my power was gradually fading, and as it did, my being was fading with it. Sakura did not have enough power to support both her and myself at this time, so we found ourselves left with no option other than to appeal to Touya for help. 

And without even thinking of himself, he gave up a cherished gift in order to grant me prolonged life. Allowed an important part of himself to be taken forever, simply because he loved me.

Problem was, the one in which he loved was nothing but a false entity, created to store my true self.

Yes, Yukito. How I hate his name, even now. He was formed as my mirror image, reflecting every human quality that I did not possess. With endless generosity, patience, and cheerfulness, Yukito was admired by all. It was no wonder that Touya never stopped to seek what lay beneath; I did not stand the slightest chance in comparison to my other half.

It was a mixture of pleasure and agony, forced to live behind the eyes of another. Each day I could feel Touya's lips burn me as if they lingered on my own, could feel his sweet caress as if it was my own body that he touched. Every time his warmth surrounded me, I could do nothing but fall helplessly in love, desperate to be with him. 

And at every gentle word my soul was irrevocably torn, knowing that his whispers of devotion were meant for someone else.

Close to a century has passed since Sakura first was born, and now I rest here in unknown darkness, once again waiting for the emergence of my new master. Yukito, being a corporal form, had aged and then ceased to exist, just as all humans do. Before her own death, Sakura had used her remaining magic to ensure that I would remain here, in limbo, until the book is reopened and I am transported into a new vessel.

I sometimes wonder if it had been Clow Reed's idea of a final cruel joke, creating Yukito and I as we were. Had he foreseen my feelings for Touya, and twisted fate specifically to ensure my continued misery? Does he laugh as he watches, no longer existing as both a separate man and a boy, but reborn into a new and unknown identity?

Once again, my questions are greeted with only maddening silence.

Touya had been there when Yukito died, his own health quickly fading. I had felt his tears fall upon his cheeks as he stroked his face, murmuring comforting words. Within my own heart, every shred of despair that Yukito felt as his lover watched him die reverberated, knowing that I too would never see Touya's face again. It was at this moment when it happened, for seconds before Yukito faded away, my true self shone from within his lifeless form. Acknowledgment entered Touya's eyes before he kissed me softly, wet lashes pressing against my skin. I had stared into his beauty, aged but not completely gone, longing to tell him of how much I loved him, of how I would always love him, but then Yukito was gone. Disappeared, as if he had never existed, and without his body I disappeared with him, Sakura's magic catapulting me into another dimension.

The memory of his lips on mine plays endlessly in my mind, each time forming another burning tear that never falls. He had not been Clow Reed, instead he had been something more than Clow Reed could have ever been. Touya was beautiful, he was pure, and for a few brief seconds he was mine.

Yes, emotions truly are the bane of my existence.

And though I am the one that has wings, he is the true angel.

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End Oneshot.

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Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the idea for this story.

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Author's Notes: I was going through some of my old files when I found this little ficcy, unfinished and completely forgotten about. No idea how long ago I started writing it, but I didn't want to let the idea go to waste so I decided to complete it.

As always, all comments and feedback is appreciated.


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